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I'm Sorry I looked

 

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  #1  
Old May 06, 2007, 01:58 PM
celador celador is offline
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I'm Sorry I looked

In trying to accurately translate the title of a poem of mine from English to Spanish I have several choices

* pregunta uno

mirar / to look translates as to watch. To watch and to look are not the same thing in English.

In English my line is I'm Sorry I looked.
Which of these would be the most accurate idiomatically to portray the glance or the look.

lo siento que miré
lo siento miré
lo siento que miraba
lo siento miraba
or is there something better?
the translator gives me apesadumbrado miraba / grieved I watched

* pregunta dos.

my poetry line says

noté tu piel cremosa, / I noticed your creamy (meaning light) skin

I need some native input on this one more than just grammar

how proper/improper idiomatically would be complexion vs. skin given that it is meant as a compliment ?

noté tu piel cremosa, vs. noté tu tez cremosa,
or is there a better way to say this. claro, blanca, ?
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  #2  
Old May 06, 2007, 07:02 PM
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Felipe Felipe is offline
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I think I can help with the first, but, as you said, a native speaker would answer that question better.

I wish I could see what was around the phrase (before and after). What did you look at? If you're trying for a quick glance, that's una mirada.

I would also retain the que and use preterite, because a glance in and of itself is not something that is sustained. It's a quick action. Lo siento que miré. If you're taking a look at something, that's echar una mirada a ...

Disculpame por echar(te) una mirada (if were talking about a person.)
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  #3  
Old May 07, 2007, 02:00 AM
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first:
Felipe it's always accurate The explanation is good
Discúlpame por mirarte
Discúlpame por observarte
Discúlpame por echarte una mirada
Siento haberte mirado
Siento haberte observado
Discúlpame si te he mirado, pero ......
other options (different than sorry)
lamento haberte visto
lamento haberte mirado

second
noté tu piel cremosa <- It's OK, but cremosa its not a normal atribute of skin.
You can say "piel cremosa", but refering to the texture of the skin, not the color
other options
noté tu piel clara
noté tu piel brillante
noté tu piel luminosa
noté tu blanca piel

or
me fijé en tu piel clara
...
...
or
observé tu piel clara
....
....
or
miré tu piel clara
...

Hope it helps
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  #4  
Old May 07, 2007, 08:18 AM
celador celador is offline
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thank you all again

I can see this kind of input is exactly what I needed. I am especially interested in how it might sound vos alta en Español since it is meant to be poetry.

lamento (now why didn't I think of that?) it says moan but that may just a quirk of the translator.

lamento haber mirada / I lament to have looked.
also haber is a good verb for this but my translator doesnt like haberte it will read habérse as to have

Ok here is the complete poem (don't laugh at my Spanish ok) any other input on the other lines will be appreciated as well.

lo siento que miré / sorry (that) i looked

La primera vez que te vio / the first time that I saw you;
quizás la vestido rojas muy pequeño ; / perhaps the very small red dress
¡qué sonrisa!/ that smile;
noté tu piel cremosa, / I noticed your creamy skin;
eso acentúa los ojos oscuros, / that accentuates those dark eyes,
y el cabello negro largo; / and long black hair;

Y tú, tú eras esbelta y más alto / and you, you were thin and more tall;
más que pensé; / more than I thought;
así que muy bonita también; / so very pretty too;

¡yo miraba! / i looked;
no podría ayudarme; / i could not help myself;
no, miré fijamente; / no, i stared;

estoy apesadumbrado / i am sorry (grieved)
para ese momento corto / for that short moment
que duró demasiado / that lasted for too much
traicionó mi deseo secreto; / it betrayed my secret wish;
acabo antes de que comenzara; / finished before it began;
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  #5  
Old May 07, 2007, 08:44 AM
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thank you sosia,

but you didn't mention anything of the difference using tez vs. piel ?
any thoughts on that?
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  #6  
Old May 07, 2007, 10:34 PM
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I'm not native, but I'll offer an opinion anyway

piel would be skin, and tez is more like complexion. piel blanca would probably be the most common way of saying it, which is not necessarily what you want for poetry. You might try "piel blanca como la crema", but that changes it from a metaphor to a simile.
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  #7  
Old May 07, 2007, 11:32 PM
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Then how about using both:

Observé su piel blanca
como la tez de crema
que acentúa los ojos oscuros
y el cabello negro largo
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  #8  
Old May 08, 2007, 02:49 AM
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It's always very difficult to translate poetry.
A poet can change words, sentence order an things like that.
But I find your spanish poem good and very accurate.
I give you a small translation

1) You can use "resbalé" "slipped" to indicate the creamy skin, but it's difficult to place "that smile". And "the very small red dress" is "el muy pequeño vestido rojo". It's very long. It's easy to say small dress or red dress, but both it's difficult.

lamento haber mirada / I lament to have looked.
La primera vez que te vio / the first time that I saw you;
quizás la vestido rojas muy pequeño ; / perhaps the very small red dress
¡qué sonrisa!/ that smile;
noté tu piel cremosa, / I noticed your creamy skin;
eso acentúa los ojos oscuros, / that accentuates those dark eyes,
y el cabello negro largo; / and long black hair;

Lamento mi mirada
cuando te ví por vez primera.
sería esa sonrisa
en tu vestidito rojo
Resbalé en tu piel clara
que marcaba tus negros ojos
y tu melena oscura.


2) the other are more or less easy, because your translation was good

Y tú, tú eras esbelta y más alto / and you, you were thin and more tall;
más que pensé; / more than I thought;
así que muy bonita también; / so very pretty too;

Y tú, tú eras esbelta,
más alta de lo que esperaba
no podías ser más bonita


¡yo miraba! / i looked;
no podría ayudarme; / i could not help myself;
no, miré fijamente; / no, i stared;

¡Te miraba!
No podía evitarlo
fijamente te observaba


estoy apesadumbrado / i am sorry (grieved)
para ese momento corto / for that short moment
que duró demasiado / that lasted for too much
traicionó mi deseo secreto; / it betrayed my secret wish;
acabo antes de que comenzara; / finished before it began;

Estoy apesadumbrado other option Estoy tocado
por ese corto momento
que duró demasido
traicionó mi secreto deseo
sin comenzar acabado.


it's your's a little rearranged
Hope it helps

Last edited by sosia; May 08, 2007 at 02:52 AM.
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  #9  
Old May 08, 2007, 06:52 AM
celador celador is offline
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muy bueno, Gracias. mí gusta.

Someday maybe I will be able to write like that in Español
--- but for now I will put you down as my co-author. lol
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  #10  
Old May 08, 2007, 05:14 PM
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Great job to the both of you, I think you're both natural poets.
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