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"Fair isle at sea..." by R.L.S - help wih translation

 

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  #1  
Old September 25, 2009, 10:27 PM
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"Fair isle at sea..." by R.L.S - help wih translation

Well, I've this poem:

Fair isle at sea - thy lovely name
Soft in my ear like music came.
That sea I loved, and once or twice
I touched at isles of Paradise.


I understand it clearly but I have read one translation and... it didn't sound to accurate for me, this is:

Hermosa isla- Tu amado nombre
llega a mis oídos como la más suave música.
Amo ese mar, y alguna vez
he fondeado en las islas del Paraíso.


Would you translate it that way? for example, "at sea" is ignore, "soft" as la más suave, "loved" in past and amo in present, alguna vez as "once or twice", "touched" as fondeado...

I would make it something like this:

(with options)

Hermosa isla en el mar -Tu amado nombre

viene/llega a mi/s oído/s como suave música.

Ese mar que amé/he amado, y una u otra vez/una o dos veces/una que otra vez/alguna vez/alguna que otra vez/algunas veces
(this is the most difficult decision)

toqué/(hmm) en la islas del Paraíso.

(depurate version)

Hermosa isla en el mar -Tu amado nombre
llega a mis oídos como suave música.
Ese mar que amé, y alguna vez
toqué en las islas del Paraíso.


Thanks
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  #2  
Old September 26, 2009, 03:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ookami View Post
Well, I've this poem:

Fair isle at sea - thy lovely name
Soft in my ear like music came.
That sea I loved, and once or twice
I touched at isles of Paradise.


I understand it clearly but I have read one translation and... it didn't sound to accurate for me, this is:

Hermosa isla- Tu amado nombre
llega a mis oídos como la más suave música.
Ese mar que he amado, y alguna vez
he fondeado en las islas del Paraíso.


Would you translate it that way? for example, "at sea" is ignored*** , "soft" as la más suave, "loved" in past and amo in present***, alguna vez as "once or twice", "touched" as fondeado...***
***No pienso que es importante para decir "at sea", pero si quieres una traducción más literal entonces es bueno.
***Tienes razón, no pienso que los tiempos son adecuados ahí
***Al decir "I touched at isles of Paradise" el escritor nos da la idea de ir a las islas por barca y fondear ahí para caminarlas/tocarlas, por eso pienso que es bueno para usar fondear.

I would make it something like this:

(with options)

Hermosa isla en el mar -Tu amado nombre

viene/llega a mi/s oído/s como suave música.

Ese mar que amé/he amado, y una u otra vez/una o dos veces/una que otra vez/alguna vez/alguna que otra vez/algunas veces
(this is the most difficult decision)

toqué/(hmm) en la islas del Paraíso.

(depurate version)

Hermosa isla en el mar -Tu amado nombre
llega a mis oídos como suave música.
Ese mar que amé, y alguna vez
toqué en las islas del Paraíso.


Thanks
Pienso que las ambas traducciones son buenas, la primera es más traducido muy libremente , y tu es más literal

Es un buen poema, ya me hace que quiero ir a la isla

PD . ¿es depurate español o inglés, no había encontrado ni palabras in los diccionarios adecuados
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Last edited by bobjenkins; September 26, 2009 at 03:57 AM.
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  #3  
Old September 26, 2009, 11:28 AM
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Sorry, I made a mix of Spanish and English, I wanted to say "Debuged" (Depurado in Spanish). Is debuged the standard word for this?

Thanks for the suggestions and corrections. About "fondear", the translation wanted to use that word not as anchor, but as to dive-dived (if not it has no sense with the English version)
1. tr. Reconocer el fondo del agua.

Any more suggestions to my version are welcome
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  #4  
Old September 26, 2009, 12:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ookami View Post
Well, I've this poem:

Fair isle at sea - thy lovely name
Soft in my ear like music came.
That sea I loved, and once or twice
I touched at isles of Paradise.


I understand it clearly but I have read one translation and... it didn't sound to accurate for me, this is:

Hermosa isla- Tu amado nombre
llega a mis oídos como la más suave música.
Amo ese mar, y alguna vez
he fondeado en las islas del Paraíso.


Would you translate it that way? for example, "at sea" is ignore, "soft" as la más suave, "loved" in past and amo in present, alguna vez as "once or twice", "touched" as fondeado...

I would make it something like this:

(with options)

Hermosa isla en el mar -Tu amado nombre

viene/llega a mi/s oído/s como suave música.

Ese mar que amé/he amado, y una u otra vez/una o dos veces/una que otra vez/alguna vez/alguna que otra vez/algunas veces
(this is the most difficult decision)

toqué/(hmm) en la islas del Paraíso.

(depurate version)

Hermosa isla en el mar -Tu amado nombre
llega a mis oídos como suave música.
Ese mar que amé, y alguna vez
toqué en las islas del Paraíso.


Thanks

Here I have a question, I understood in this phrase the following translation.

Fair isle at sea - thy lovely name - La bella isla en el mar, tu amado nombre.

Here in that part I'm doubtfulness because you are made another kind to translation, but surely there are another ways to give sense to the phrase, therefore I need to have clear this sentence.

My question is. My example is correct?
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  #5  
Old September 26, 2009, 01:55 PM
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RLS
Ookami
Yo


Fair isle at sea - thy lovely name
Hermosa isla en el mar -Tu amado nombre


Soft in my ear like music came.
llega a mis oídos como suave música.

Llegó suavemente a mi oído como la música.
No es necesario que sea música suave: podría ser música fuerte pero lejana. Dice dos cosas acerca de lo que oyó: que era suave, y que era melodioso.

That sea I loved, and once or twice
Ese mar que amé, y alguna vez

¿Por qúe "amé" y no "amaba"?
Amaba ese mar, y alguna vez
I touched at isles of Paradise.
toqué en las islas del Paraíso.

Lo toqué en islas del Paraíso.


Mi intento. La tercera línea falta algo de gramática, ya lo sé.

Hermosa isla en el mar
Melodiosa música
Oír tu nombre susurrar.
Amaba tanto ese mar
Que alguna vez logré tocar
En islas de Elíseo.


Bueno, quizás sería mejor cambiar ll2-3:
El susurro de tu nombre es
Melodiosa música.

Last edited by pjt33; September 26, 2009 at 02:19 PM.
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  #6  
Old September 26, 2009, 08:42 PM
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Excellent pjt33, thank you a lot.
I used "amé" because it was the first one that came to my mind when reading in English.
I don't understand clearly why "lo toqué" instead of "toqué".

Your's is a really nice version! too free for my level to try something like that
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Old September 26, 2009, 11:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ookami View Post
Sorry, I made a mix of Spanish and English, I wanted to say "Debuged" (Depurado in Spanish). Is debuged the standard word for this?

Thanks for the suggestions and corrections. About "fondear", the translation wanted to use that word not as anchor, but as to dive-dived (if not it has no sense with the English version)
1. tr. Reconocer el fondo del agua.

Any more suggestions to my version are welcome
Debugged es una palabra la que relacionada a los electrónicos
"You wanted me to debug the computer system so I did"
Pienso que la palabra adecuada sería "revised version"

Oh no lo había sabido , "to dive" no tiene sentido ahí.
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Old September 27, 2009, 05:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ookami View Post
Sorry, I made a mix of Spanish and English, I wanted to say "Debuged" (Depurado in Spanish). Is debuged the standard word for this?
Debugging refers only to computer programs in English. For other uses, you can try: purify, cleanse, purge. In this case, I would say "final version", "cleaned-up version", "clean version", etc.
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  #9  
Old September 27, 2009, 08:25 AM
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I tought that, Thanks both
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  #10  
Old September 27, 2009, 08:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ookami View Post
I don't understand clearly why "lo toqué" instead of "toqué".
Hmm. Lo tenía claro pero ahora no estoy seguro.

That sea I loved, and once or twice
I touched at isles of Paradise.


"That sea" es un objeto directo. ¿De cuál verbo? Lo interpretaba como "(That sea) (I loved, and once or twice I touched at isles of Paradise)" - es decir, sería el objeto de los dos verbos.

Pero ahora que lo vuelvo a leer for n-enta* vez, me doy cuenta que hay una ambigüedad. ¿Es "to touch" (v. tr.) seguido por locativo: "(That sea) ((I loved), and ((once or twice) (I touched [it]) (at isles of Paradise)))"? ¿O es "to touch at" (v. tr.) seguido por objeto directo: "((That sea) (I loved)), and ((once or twice) (I touched at) (isles of Paradise))"?

Los dos casos tienen sus desperfectos. En el primer caso, debe ser posible extraer "Once or twice I touched that sea at isles of Paradise", pero eso suena raro. Pero el segundo caso pone dos ideas distintas, y el conjuntivo que las separa está en mitad de una línea - eso me parece un poco demasiado moderno.

Pero, bueno, para concluir: en el primer caso debes traducir el pronombre elidido; en el segundo "tocar" no es la mejor traducción, sería "alguna vez hice escala en islas del Paraíso."

* ¿Se dice así "nth"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomisimo View Post
Debugging refers only to computer programs in English.
No estoy de acuerdo. Los informáticos lo usamos con bastante generalidad**, pero el populacho no lo úsa en ningún contexto. Aquí me parece que "polished" sería una traducción buena.

** http://catb.org/jargon/html/B/bug.html
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