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Kind of poem (Spanish to English)

 

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  #1  
Old December 02, 2011, 06:15 PM
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Kind of poem (Spanish to English)

hello guys!

I really need your help and I think this is the right place for my request. I wrote this text and I would like to know my mistakes...

" I believe in the magic of the music and in their wonderful effect (to/of) opening hearts like flowers. I believe in the rapture of the music and in the songs that they shoot you not to hurt you, only to choose you and (later/then), to illuminate you. I believe in the songs that they can stop the hit in time and to the time at one hit. I believe in the songs that they can move us away from the sadness and from their damned company, the pain. I believe also that a single song was enough to heal us or to ill us, to destroy us or to save us...
This is the story of a fragmented heart or probably, a story of our fragmented hearts..."

and just in case, this is the original text in my native language. Maybe someone who speak spanish can understand better the right sense...

" Creo en la magia de la musica y en su maravilloso efecto de abrir los corazones como flores. Creo en el rapto de la musica y en las canciones que te disparan para no herirte, solo para elegirte y despues, iluminarte. Creo en las canciones que detienen el golpe a tiempo y al tiempo de golpe. Creo en las canciones que pueden alejarnos de la tristeza y de su maldita compañia, el dolor. Creo tambien que una sola cancion bastara para sanarnos o para enfermarnos, para destruirnos o para salvarnos...
Esta es la historia de un corazon fragmentado o quizas, la historia de nuestros corazones fragmentados..."

Well, I hope to get some help from you. Thank you so much for be here!

Cheers!
   
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  #2  
Old December 02, 2011, 08:25 PM
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Welcome to the forums!

Your post was moved to this forum so that others can help you arrive at the correct translation on your own. Read the hints I've provided below and ask questions, if necessary, before reposting your narrative. (There's no reason to write your narrative in bold.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by fontana View Post
hello guys!

I really need your help ... I wrote this text and (I) would like to know my mistakes...

"I believe in the magic of the (unnecessary) music and in their (check agreement) wonderful effect of opening up hearts like flowers.

I believe in the rapture of the (unnecessary) music and in the (unnecessary) songs that they (unnecessary) shoot (missing a preposition) you (need punctuation here) not to hurt (alternate: wound) you, (missing a conjunction here - replaces 'only') only to choose you (alternate: single you out) and then to illuminate you.

I believe in the (unnecessary) songs that they (unnecessary) can stop the hit (must be a noun, and there is a better word to use) in time and to the time at one hit (the Spanish is idiomatic - find an equivalent English phrase).

I believe in the (unnecessary) songs that they (unnecessary) can move us away (alternate: distance us) from the (unnecessary) sadness and from (unnecessary) their (check agreement) damned company, the (unnecessary) pain.

I also believe that a single song was (incorrect tense) enough to heal us or to ill us ('make us ill' should be used), to destroy us or to save us...

This is the story of a fragmented heart or, probably (wrong word), a story of our fragmented hearts..."

and just in case, this is the original text in my native language. Maybe this will help someone who speaks Spanish to better understand what I meant.

"Creo en la magia de la musica y en su maravilloso efecto de abrir los corazones como flores. Creo en el rapto de la musica y en las canciones que te disparan para no herirte, solo para elegirte y despues, iluminarte. Creo en las canciones que detienen el golpe a tiempo y al tiempo de golpe. Creo en las canciones que pueden alejarnos de la tristeza y de su maldita compañia, el dolor. Creo tambien que una sola cancion bastara para sanarnos o para enfermarnos, para destruirnos o para salvarnos...
Esta es la historia de un corazon fragmentado o quizas, la historia de nuestros corazones fragmentados..."

Well, I hope to get some help from you. Thank you so much for being here!

Cheers!
P.D. Some of your errors came from the fact that the original 'poem' had a plural subject instead of the singular subject 'music'.

Last edited by Rusty; December 03, 2011 at 11:31 PM.
  #3  
Old December 08, 2011, 06:29 PM
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Thanks Rusty!

This is my last try but I am still having doubts. I hope you can help me...

" I believe in the magic of music and inits wonderful effect of opening up hearts like flowers. I believe in the raptureof music and in itssongs(that/what/which)shoot you not to hurt you, just to choose you and then, illuminate you. I believe in songs that can stop the hitin time and the time at one time. I believe in songs that can move us away from sadness and its damned company, the pain. I also believe that a single song would be enough to heal us or make us ill, destroy us or save us...
This is the story of a fragmented heart or maybe the story of our fragmented hearts..."

About its, in all cases, is related when something belong to...but I'm not sure if I'm alright. In which cases can I use their?

About rapture, I choosen this word trying to express abduction or something like that. Another option is trance, but rapture sounds more "deeper"

About that/what/which...I think any can be used, but I don't know which one it's better...

About hit, I have lots of doubts about this sentence. I think the first part is clear but then...I try to say when the music stops the time in one snap or something like that...

Thanks for being there!

Cheers!
  #4  
Old December 09, 2011, 01:06 AM
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The determiner 'its' is correct. This is used when the possession is singular.
The determiner 'their' is used when the possession is plural.

its pages (pages of the book) - book (singular)
their pages (pages of the books) - books (plural)


... and in its songs which ...
... and in its songs that ...
... and in its songs what ...


... que detienen el golpe = that (can) stop the blows/beating/hitting
... a tiempo = on time
... y al tiempo = and at the time
... de golpe = suddenly

This is difficult to translate. Perhaps you mean something like "I believe in songs that can stop the 'bangings/poundings of the day' at the right time in an instant." This usage is metaphoric in nature.

Last edited by Rusty; December 09, 2011 at 01:08 AM.
  #5  
Old December 09, 2011, 11:01 PM
fontana fontana is offline
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Thank you again Sir Rusty!

After all your corrections, I think this will be my last version of my text...

I believe in the magic of music and in its wonderful effect of opening up hearts like flowers. I believe in the rapture of music and in its songs that shoot you not to hurt you, just to choose you and then, illuminate you.
I believe in songs that holding back the hit on time and the time suddenly.
I believe in songs that can take us away from sadness and its damned company, the pain. I also believe that a single song would be enough to heal us or make us ill, to destroy us or save us...
This is the story of a fragmented heart or maybe the story of our fragmented hearts...

I think the sentence related to the time it's clear right now. I am still thinking to use hit but blow it's a good option too. Hit because the sentence could be describing a physical hit (from someone who is fighting with you) and blow because refers to life's blows...and how the songs, or music, can stop that (avoiding suffering)...
I am not sure which one could be better!
Anyway, do you approve my text now?
Well, thanks again Rusty!
  #6  
Old December 10, 2011, 01:05 AM
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The sentence you posted in red still doesn't make sense to me. The Spanish version doesn't make sense, either.

I like "life's blows." This makes sense:

'I believe in songs that (can) hold back (can stop) life's blows suddenly, and at just the right time.'
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Old December 10, 2011, 08:31 PM
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Thanks again Rusty!

I really appreciate all your responses. Well, about that sentence, the main "problem", specially when you try to translate something to another
language, is how you interprete something writen in metaphoric way. I try this...
"I believe in songs that hold back the hit just on time and the time suddenly"

In spanish make sense because I just played with the words trying to find similar meanings about the magical power of music. Creo en las canciones que detienen el golpe a tiempo...Just imagine that you don't have escape to receive something painful and how certain songs can avoid that...y al tiempo de golpe...how certain songs can stop the time suddenly...

I think we are almost done. Right?

Cheers!
  #8  
Old December 10, 2011, 10:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fontana View Post
"I believe in songs that hold back the hit just on time and the time suddenly" (This doesn't make sense in English.)

Creo en las canciones que detienen el golpe a tiempo... (This makes sense, and has a translation.)

Just imagine that you don't have escape to receive something painful and how certain songs can avoid that (I don't understand this sentence. You can write it in Spanish and I'll understand it.)


...how certain songs can stop the time suddenly (This makes sense, and has a translation.)...

I think we are almost done. Right?
No, no entiendo cómo vas a llegar a una traducción fiel con las palabras originales. Si quieres decir que las canciones detienen ...
1) el golpe a tiempo, y
2) el tiempo de golpe.
¿Por qué no lo escribes así?

Creo en las canciones que detienen el golpe a tiempo y (que detienen) el tiempo de golpe.

Si he entendido bien, he aquí una traducción:
I believe in songs that stop life's blows in the nick of time and make time stop suddenly.

Last edited by Rusty; December 10, 2011 at 10:41 PM. Reason: highlighted material and reworded for clarity
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