#1  
Old May 11, 2007, 08:42 AM
celador celador is offline
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Night Comes On

These two Dusk and Dawn were written as a pair.

I would like a Spanish translation for them but I was thinking that maybe it would be better if I didn't post my translation first.

Ideally it would be nice to preserve the rhythm at least if not some of the rhyme too.

Night Comes On

Shroud of dusk
as sunlight fades
and dimming light
no longer stays
shadows lengthen
until gone
melting features
night comes on
like black satin
dark enfolding
embracing beauty
eyes closed holding
a long last sigh
when breath begins
its preparation
to draw in.
So passion filled
the daylight spent
the spirit full
at dusk content
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  #2  
Old May 11, 2007, 12:48 PM
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I dont think my translating this would be a good thing but I like your poetry.
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  #3  
Old May 13, 2007, 10:04 AM
bleak-uk bleak-uk is offline
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Personally I think it sounds good in English, why translate it?
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  #4  
Old May 13, 2007, 01:44 PM
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Tomisimo Tomisimo is offline
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We can translate it to Spanish without loosing the English version too!

Viene la noche

Sudario de [anochecer/crepúsculo]
Al desvanecerse [los rayos del sol/la luz del sol]
La luz se debilita
Y se va
Las sombras se alargan
Hasta irse
Rasgos se derriten
Viene la noche
Como satín negro
Oscuridad abriéndose
Abrazando la hermosura
Ojos cerrados reteniendo
Un último y largo suspiro
Cuando inicia el respiro
Su preparación
Para inhalar
Así la pasión llenaba
La luz del sol se desgastaba
El [alma llena/espíritu lleno]
Al anochecer, contento
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Old May 13, 2007, 05:11 PM
celador celador is offline
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Viene la noche

Gracias, David, bueno.

This my not be the final draft, but putting some of Davids good ideas and some of what I had already together:


Night Comes On; / Viene la noche

Shroud of dusk; / Amantar de la oscuridad
as sunlight fades; / como desaparece el sol
and diming light; / y esfumarse la luz
no longer stays; / permanecer no más
shadows lengthen; /Las sombras alargan
until gone; / hasta que se va
melting features; / disolver los rasgos
night comes on; / viene la noche
like black satin; / como satén negro
dark enfolding; / oscuro envuelta
embracing beauty; / abrazando belleza
eyes closed holding; / con los ojos cerrados
a long last sigh; / un suspiro pasado
when breath begins; / cuando vaho comienza
its preparation; / su preparación
to draw in.; / para tomar adentro.
So passion filled; / La pasión tan llenaba
the daylight spent; / la luz del día pasó
the spirit full; / el espíritu ser lleno
at dusk content; / en crepúsculo contento.


It is so easy to change the meaning. Let me know of any of these lines do not work right. I wanted to see how close my translation might be to someone who knows the language a lot better.
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Old May 13, 2007, 05:16 PM
celador celador is offline
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una buena impresión

Quote:
Originally Posted by bleak-uk View Post
Personally I think it sounds good in English, why translate it?
Para hacer una buena impresión en las mujeres que hablan solamente español.
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  #7  
Old May 13, 2007, 05:48 PM
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And here's me building on your translation:

Night Comes On; / Viene la noche

Quote:
Shroud of dusk; / Manta de oscuridad
as sunlight fades; / al desaparecerse el sol
and diming light; / y esfumarse la luz
no longer stays; / no permanece más
shadows lengthen; / Las sombras se alargan
until gone; / hasta que se van
melting features; / se disuelven los rasgos
night comes on; / viene la noche
like black satin; / como satén negro
dark enfolding; / oscuro envuelto
embracing beauty; / abrazando belleza
eyes closed holding; / con los ojos cerrados
a long last sigh; / un suspiro alargado
when breath begins; / cuando vaho comienza
its preparation; / su preparación
to draw in.; / para tomar adentro.
So passion filled; / Tan lleno de pasión
the daylight spent; / la luz del día pasó
the spirit full; / el espíritu lleno
at dusk content; / en crepúsculo contento.
A couple of notes: I don't know how common the word vaho is, I've never heard it personally, but it's in dictionaries. Satin can be satén or satín, satín is more common in Mexico.

¿Qué te parece?
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Old May 13, 2007, 07:46 PM
celador celador is offline
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Gracias.

No wonder satén wouldn't translate. But I looked it up so I knew it was ok.

I did consider that "tan lleno" line that way, but wasn't sure.

al desaparecerse el sol / when disappears the sun
como desaparece el sol / as the sun disappears
¿esta no es correcto?

se van... bueno. Porque sombras es plural, también "disuelven" lo rasgos es plural.

un suspiro alargado. Alargado es bueno palabra aquí

I just couldn't seem to get any of the breath/inhale words to work like i wanted. I'm after the metaphoric implication there rather than the literal.

Gracias para ayudarme.
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Old May 14, 2007, 11:11 AM
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Tomisimo Tomisimo is offline
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cuando el sol se desaparece = when the sun disappears
al desaparecerse el sol = as the sun disappears / upon the sun disappearing / when the sun disappears
como se desaparece el sol = like the sun disappears / as the sun disappears / the way the sun disappears

Quote:
Gracias por ayudarme.
De nada!
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Old May 15, 2007, 02:27 AM
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sosia has a spectacular aura aboutsosia has a spectacular aura about
Vaho usually means breath, but a visible one:
the typical examples are
winter
Que frío, sale vaho de las personas
It's cold, you can see the people breathing
when you write on a window/glass
En el vaho de la ventana escribí: Te quiero
In the breath placed on the window I wrote: I love you
Dictionary
Quote:
vaho :
m. Vapor que despiden los cuerpos en determinadas condiciones:
el cuarto de baño estaba lleno de vaho.
Aliento:
echó vaho en el cristal para escribir su nombre.
Vahos: Inhalación terapéutica de vahos con alguna sustancia balsámica:
vahos de eucalipto


my try, based on the original one (and some Tomisimos things. ) because the last one it's already checked by Tomisimo.

Viene la noche

Sudario de oscuridad,
los rayos desaparecen
y la luz temblorosa
ya no permanece.
Las sombras se alargan
ocupando todo,
desfigurando rasgos,
viene la noche.
Como negro satén,
negra envoltura
que abraza la belleza
y cierra los párpados.
Con un último, largo, suspiro
el aliento comienza
su preparación
para retirarse.
Tan lleno de pasión
como se pasó el día
el espíritu lleno
contento al anochecer.

Last edited by sosia; May 15, 2007 at 02:37 AM. Reason: explanation of vaho
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