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Old April 03, 2013, 09:14 AM
chancleta chancleta is offline
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Help to improve my essays!

I am planning to present TOELF test;however, my essays need a lot of corrections. Could you help me please?
I will appreciate all your suggestions! Here one of the topics I choose from the big list they have.
Chancleta

Publicity influences and creates necessities in people to buy specific products, brands, or colors. The best consumers are children, who are constantly pressuring their parents to purchase trendy gadgets. In the following essay, I will explain social an economic implications about this trend.
First, children feel socially more accepted when they have new technology to show to their friends. For instance,new cellphones and ipads let them strength relations through social media such as Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Every single activity is shared with their pairs in real time. As a result, they are more dependent to their friends' comments, and they have their own world in their devices. So, you can see a big group around a table but completely isolated and quiet.
Second, children are pushing their parents to acquire expensive technology and accessories. It is a continuous circle because when you buy one version a modern one is coming. People line up in Apple stores to buy cutting -edge technology; as a result, children accept that behavior as a normal part of life. They will be the future consumers and they will pay millions of dollars to have what they want.

In conclusion, publicity has a negative impact on children because it creates consumers who spend a lot of money to be accepted in society.
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  #2  
Old April 03, 2013, 12:43 PM
abrink abrink is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chancleta View Post
I am planning to present TOELF test;however, my essays need a lot of corrections. Could you help me please?
I will appreciate all your suggestions! Here one of the topics I choose from the big list they have.
Chancleta

Publicity influences and creates necessities A better word here would be "desires" in people to buy specific products, brands, or colors. The best consumers are children, who are constantly pressuring their parents to purchase trendy gadgets. In the following essay, I will explain social an And economic implications about this trend.
First, children feel socially more accepted when they have new technology to show to their friends. For instance,new cellphones and ipads let them strength strengthenrelations through social media such as Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Every single activity is shared with their pairsI believe you mean "peers" in real time. As a result, they are more dependent to on their friends' comments, and they have their own world in their devices. So, you can see a big group around a table but completely isolated and quiet. You may want to explain this last sentence a little more. Why are they isolated and quiet?
Second, children are pushing their parents to acquire consider using the word "purchase." It makes a little bit more sense in context. expensive technology and accessories. It is a continuous circle because when you buy one version a modern one Consider replacing "modern one" with "newer one" is alreadycoming. People line up in Apple stores to buy cutting -edge technology; as a result, children accept that behavior as a normal part of life. They will be the future consumers and they will pay millions of dollars to have what they want.

In conclusion, publicity has a negative impact on children because it creates consumers who spend a lot of money to be accepted in society.Consider saying that it leads to the acceptance of spending large amounts of money. The way it's worded now is a bit confusing.
Let me know if you have questions about my corrections. I put either a correction or a comment about your writing in red directly next to what the correction or comment is related to. Is Spanish your first language?

Díme si tienes preguntas sobre mis correcciónes o si necesitas un traducción de un corrección.

Last edited by abrink; April 03, 2013 at 12:46 PM.
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Old April 04, 2013, 08:57 PM
chancleta chancleta is offline
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Hi Abrink
Thank you for your corrections they are very clear. Yes, Spanish is my first language.
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