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My poem in Spanish: please help me find grammar mistakes!

 

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  #1  
Old October 19, 2014, 04:23 PM
Nemorivaga Nemorivaga is offline
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My poem in Spanish: please help me find grammar mistakes!

Here is the poem:

La Llorona

Muerta, me acostaré. Mi reflejo pasará en tus ojos,
Que alguien más cerrará. Nadie cerrará los míos.
Me enterrarán con los ojos abiertos, con la pompa prescrita,
Y los ciegos se preguntarán qué han hecho mal,
Echandose la culpa el uno al otro. Entretanto nosotros
Tú y yo pasaremos al limbo juntos, felices
Mientras que aquí arriba las horas se atragantarán con los segundos
Y tu te atragantarás en mi corazón, renacido.

In English:

I will lie down, dead. My reflection will pass into your eyes,
Which somebody else will close. Nobody will close mine.
They will bury me with eyes open,
With prescribed funerary pomp,
And the blind will ask themselves what they have done wrong,
And blame each other.
And we, we will have passed into limbo together,
Happy together,
While here above hours will suffocate on seconds,
And you will suffocate in my heart, reborn.

Any suggestions on improving the Spanish version of the poem as far as grammar and word choice go are welcome! Thanks to everyone.

Last edited by Nemorivaga; October 19, 2014 at 05:17 PM.
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  #2  
Old October 20, 2014, 11:59 AM
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Suavemente Suavemente is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nemorivaga View Post
Here is the poem:

La Llorona

Muerta, me acostaré. Mi reflejo pasará en tus ojos,
Que alguien más LOS cerrará. Nadie cerrará los míos.
Me enterrarán con los ojos abiertos, con la pompa prescrita,
Y los ciegos se preguntarán qué han hecho mal,
Echandose la culpa el uno al otro. Entretanto nosotros
Tú y yo pasaremos al limbo juntos, felices
Mientras que aquí arriba las horas se atragantarán con los segundos
Y tu te atragantarás en mi corazón, renacido.

In English:

I will lie down, dead. My reflection will pass into your eyes,
Which somebody else will close. Nobody will close mine.
They will bury me with eyes open,
With prescribed funerary pomp,
And the blind will ask themselves what they have done wrong,
And blame each other.
And we, we will have passed into limbo together,
Happy together,
While here above hours will suffocate on seconds,
And you will suffocate in my heart, reborn.

Any suggestions on improving the Spanish version of the poem as far as grammar and word choice go are welcome! Thanks to everyone.
I'm doing this from a tablet whose browser isn't very compatible with this form. I only saw one correction to make.
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  #3  
Old November 01, 2014, 11:11 PM
Nemorivaga Nemorivaga is offline
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I showed it to a Spanish speaker and he said that there were no mistakes.
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  #4  
Old November 02, 2014, 01:47 AM
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Rusty Rusty is offline
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There are more mistakes than just the one pointed out earlier, and I'm not so certain I agree with that correction. Instead of 'que', I would use 'los cuales'.

Accent marks are missing in two spots.
Punctuation could be improved/matched, but some leniency can be expected.

The meaning of the Spanish version doesn't match the English version in places.
For example, the word 'entretanto' shouldn't be used with a future tense verb. Look at what tense you used in the English version.
Instead of 'pasará en', use 'pasará a', or perhaps other wording would convey the idea better. It's hard to say what idea you were trying to communicate.
'Suffocate' would be better translated as 'asfixiarse' (or 'ahogarse', if suffocation is a result of drowning).

In my opinion, the poem's title, whose English translation was not offered, doesn't seem to apply.
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