Would you mind taking a look at this?

Would you mind taking a look at this?
 

Hi there! Well, It's my turn to practice. I'm trying to improve my English, so, I dicided to start writing a "book", or something like that, lol. Here's a piece, It would be very helpful If you could look at it and tell me if it have errors. Please feel free to correct not just grammar and spelling mistakes but also expression ones. (including this introduction! lol):

"He went all the way asking stupid question that made my head dizzy, if this was how everything was going to be I would most definitely fail my mission.

- Aren't you supposed to be happy people?- he asked when his twelfth question came back without an answer.

- I'm defective – I said willing him to shut up.

- I see, that explains a lot. So, what happened to you? How did you became so bitter?


- Do you always ask so many questions?- my patience had been stretched to the breaking point by now.I never was a patient person, well, I actually wasn't even a person, so, we could said I was excused. And truth be told, I wasn't planning to improve in the patience thing.


- Yes, sorry, you'll have to cope up. It's actually part of my charm. - he said with his easygoing smile. I was starting to hate that smile. Why did he have to be so happy all the time?


- People thinks you're charming?- I said with my most skeptic tone.


- Yes, they do- he said never noticing that my question was full of irony


- I think you’re annoying- I said imitating his sickening smile.


- Yeah, I've noticed. That's why I have set myself the goal of making you change your mind -This was going to be my death.


- Please, don't try too hard, for my own good and yours.


It seemed that make it, he actually kept quiet the rest of the way. When I was starting to enjoy the silence he broke It once again, but this time not with his voice. He fell into a hole and started calling for my help. I rolled my eyes and went to help him.

- Are you alright? - my question was answered by a grumble. Finally, he showed some spirit, I was starting to think that his smile was plastered to his face.



- Hold on, I'll get you out of there.

I throw him a rope and started pulling, God he was heavy. That's when I saw why he was grumbling, his leg was in a really rare position. He was actually on the verge of tears and I had to try very hard not to laugh my head out. I didn't want to shame him, he was after all a prince.


I had to carry him the rest of the way. The worst part wasn't that he was big and very heavy, but that the number of question per minute he made increased.


I still don't know how, but I delivery him safe and sound. He was a threat to his own life, If he didn't learn to shut his mouth someone was going to kill him sooner or later. I delivered him to the hands of the guards and went to see Marion to inform her I had finished my mission.


As always, she was sitting in a chair next to the fire reading God knows what. Probably someones death sentence, she was in charge of that kind of stuff. Marion was the one to make certain everything work out just fine in the city. She was a judge and a counselor, and the people always came to her to solve the different problems. Like, when somebody killed someone's pig by accident trying to shoot a Bardan. That had actually happened. Bardans were disgusting people, the enemy of half the Earth, we all hated them. I wouldn't mind if she was reading a Bardan death sentence. "


That's what I have to the moment.

Thanks a lot to those who took the time to read this :)


Most apreciated!

Corrections and suggestions above. Keep on writing!

Yes, we want to know what happens next...
(Good intention and good 'suspense' so far... I already hate these bloody Bardans... not sure why... yet!) ;) :applause:

I tried to make some corrections above. I agree with Rusty's thoughts on almost all of those, especially the improved way to do quotes in English. I focused primarily on the English and not so much on the rules of writing, but I did make a few corrections in it. The main thing I noticed was run-on sentences. Remember you can only have 1 noun-verb pair if it is not inside of a clause or separated with a conjunction/semicolon.

Examples:
He was a threat to his own life, If he didn't learn to shut his mouth someone was going to kill him sooner or later.

Should be two sentences:
He was a threat to his own life. If he didn't learn to shut his mouth, someone was going to kill him sooner or later.

This one is better as 2 sentences.
Bardans were disgusting people. They were the enemy of half the Earth, and we all hated them.

Bardans, enemies of half the Earth, were disgusting people. We all hated them.

There are other options, but I don't want to overwhelm you.

Keep writing. This is going to be a great way to learn more English in a manner that is interesting to you.

In fact his practice is very accurate and your corrections are right.

I don't believe you are overwhelming him for some many corrections made in your writing.

Thanks a lot for correcting me!

Awaken, you asked If I was talking about a type of people.Yes, I was, actually a "race", I don´t know if it's called like that in science fiction.

I have a question:

You corrected me this: People thinks you're charming?


I don´t understand why you added an "s". The subject is "people", it's a "they", so you should'n add an "s", or should you?

And, by the way, you didn't overwhel me, not at all, It 's very helpful, please feel free to correct anyhting you want, I learn a lot from the corrections :)

JP and Crotalito, thanks a lot for your encouraging words :)!! I'll keep writing!

Okay, we will be alert for the next installment...
(Do not miss the next episode, Crotalito... things will be getting more and more suspenseful!) ;)

so much pressure! lol :p

Both of us deleted the 's' that you had written (there's a strike-through mark on both of our corrections). The word people is plural, so the verb 'think' needs to be conjugated in the plural form (which does not have an 's').
Plural subjects: They think. We think. People think.
Singular subjects: He thinks. She thinks. A person thinks.

oh! I thought you had added the S... but actually It was me who put it, lol, my mistake.
A distraction error, I have to be more careful.

Thank you!

Hahahaha.

I will be alert for the next episode.

Bye