My family

[bmarquis124]

hi yall. i need some advice if you're up for it...recently i've been bothered by the fighting between my family members. my aunt and uncle (dad's brother) went to live at my parents house but they moved out last week because it didn't work out. my mom would ask my uncle to clean up his dishes and he told her he didn't have time. that really upset my mom because he wasn't working and stayed at home all day while my aunt worked. on top of that, he made rude comments to her about her not having a job...but in her defense, she stays home to take care of my sister, and i don't think there's anything wrong with that.


i just looked at my dad's cell phone and he has a ton of messages from my uncle talking about my mom. he's calling her vulgar names and questioning my dad's decision to marry her. he sends messages like this every day. like he doesn't have anything better to do?? it makes me very angry for two reasons. obviously i think it's very childish and selfish of him to talk about my mother behind her back and this has caused me to lose respect for him. but what makes it worse is that i feel like my uncle is taking advantage of my dad. my dad has always looked up to his brother because he's the older one. his mother and sister both died recently, so his brother is the only one that's left. i've wondered why he hasn't picked up the phone and told my uncle that it's unacceptable to continue to talk disrespectfully about his wife. but he won't do it. i think my uncle knows this.


i've thought about calling him and telling him myself. i'm very upset. i know he is an adult and in a way it's none of my business but i don't think it's fair to my dad. i know it hurts him to get those messages every day and he has enough to think about. i don't know what i should do. probably nothing, but i'm angry and hurt. what do you think?

[Tomisimo]

I think your uncle needs a job. That will relieve much of the stress from all angles. If he's working he won't have as much time to send messages etc. Now how to go about telling him or encouraging him to work is the sticky part. Why doesn't he work?

[Jessica]

can you try telling you mom about it?

[CrOtALiTo]

Bmarquist. In my opinion personal. I think that you must not upset for that. Because you are a person different to him. Perhaprs your uncle has not education or respect about your dads. Also I think that your uncle should get a job. Because I feel to him is a person very adult in mind an person. I know that you maybe is upset for the attitude to him but you must to think that you must loss the respect toward your own uncle. You think this he is your uncle although he behind of your dads to speak bad to them. You show him your education. Anyhow there is something that yourself can do. You can speak with him about it and you are both can clear the points or the attitude took to him. You don't bother for that although it make upsetting you in some times. My hint is that you try to speak of way lovely and easy for that you are both try to clear your inquietude of the attitude took to him.

I don't the motives or reason that it provoked to him has that attitude with your parents. But you must try to speak with him of way calmed.


Good luck.

[bmarquis124]

he knows he needs to get a job. maybe he's going through mid life crisis. he went to europe to get his masters in theology but now he's back in the US not even using his degree. he's been interviewing with computer companies but he always comes back from the interviews putting down the company and acting like they don't know what they're doing. he's been without a job for 8 months and he still has a ton of student loans to repay. ironically he talks about pastoring a new church and i just want to ask him how on earth a person harboring so much hate could possibly be a good leader. his messages about my mother are ridiculous. sorry for the rant. the whole situation has caused such a divide within my family and i feel it every day.

thanks for your advice crotalito. i really want to talk to him about it because my dad refuses to confront him.

[CrOtALiTo]

I understand you. I mean. I don't know if you aren't capable to do something about. But I don't know if your uncle is taking a attitude childish but I think that your uncle is a whole wrong with his life.

Awhile you do something as speak with him. You must upset for that. You take your life with calmer.

[Sancho Panther]

Hello Bmarquis,

I don't imagine that just because I've attained the ripe old age of sixty-four that that me makes me the fount of all wisdom - far from it! However I've read your first post thoroughly, and I do sympathize and agree that what you're thinking of doing sounds very sensible and logical and would appear to offer a solution.

However in spite of that, I strongly advise against it; in my experience parents almost never respect the views and advice of their children while they are unmarried and still living in the parental home; on the contrary they tend to be very resentful of it. Later after marriage and flying the nest they may even ask advice of their children, but seldom before do they.

It may be something with which you disagree, but as you have asked for advice here I'm going to offer you an English proverb - "Least said - soonest mended!". And add a bit of my own (albeit a bit coarse!) 'keep quiet, keep your head down and hope the sh*t misses you!' - Please don't be offended, I mean to help and I hope things soon improve for you. As it says somewhere in the Good Book (don't ask me where!), "This also will pass".

[Elaina]

I'm the rebel one!

I would go to my uncle and I would tell him that it isn't very nice what he is saying about your mom. This is no way to repay her generosity of letting him stay there, rent free. I would also remind him that your father married your mom and vice versa, she did not marry the whole lot!

Good luck!

[CrOtALiTo]

Yes. I feel that her uncle is a person without education. Because her family opened their doors of their home and he simply does not respect to the family less to the her mom. I don't know that think the uncle about his life. But I believe that his conduct is not appropriate.

Bmarquist. Hence I tell you. You aren't upset anymore for that situation.

[bmarquis124]

sancho-i loved your a bit coarse proverb. it's probably a wiser path, but like elaina the rebel, i'm quicker to speak up than to keep quiet. but of course the parents always view the 'speaking up' as 'spouting off', even though i moved out a while ago. it will probably never change. things have quieted down a bit so hopefully i won't be needing family advice until the next major holiday. thanks everyone for your replies, it's helped a bunch.

[CrOtALiTo]

Hello Bmarquist. I was surfing in the website. You know looking more new threads. And well I saw newly your post. And I stopped to asking you this. How are you with your situation. I hope you are better than the last week. In spite that you have said all your problems with your uncle here in this post. I wanna telling you that if you need help with anything please. You don't hesitate to ask me.

[sosia]

Hello bmarquis
I also have read it recently, thanks to crotalito asking.
It's sure nice to be as brave as our good Elaina, and speak directly to the uncle and saying not to mind in other's business, that speaking bad of your mother is no good example for a cleryman, that he ened a job and so on, but life has showed me that Sancho's wisdom it's right.
It's very difficult to say the appropiate things in the appropiate tone and without creating more problems. A family it's a complicate structure, and you don't really know all the facts/relations between your parents and uncle/aunt.
You can recall the different facts, and perhaps tell them directly to your uncle one day that you're very angry. But trying to do it in a "quiet" way always create more havock than good, because everybody thinks it's a personal attack and becomes defensive.
Your uncle it's not in a very good moment, he's looking for a job that doesn't come.
Let it so, perhaps when he becomes a job he will forget your mother and everything, but being a "no-use-man" it's always difficult, so he is not really at his best.
You're right, and you can be angry , but, as Sancho, I think it's better not to interfere.

Saludos

[Elaina]

Ay Sosia......you are so full of wisdom....

I need to learn not to be so rebellious!

[sosia]

I prefer you as you are