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Old April 15, 2012, 09:39 PM
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Composición

For my Spanish class, I needed to write a composition about rules and ideas that I would change in my school. Below is what I came up with. Although I am far from a native speaker, I'm really trying to progress and make as few errors as I can possibly make. I'd immensely appreciate the revision of my composition (because I know that it is far from flawless). !Gracías!


Composición:

En general, la escuela de DHS tiene buenas cosas y normas. Por ejemplo, todos los estudiantes (qué no tienen restricciones) tienen una libre período. También, algunos de las cosas son malo.

Yo cambiaría la horario de lunes; la horario es terrible en general (porque todos los estudiantes y todos los profesores van a todos los clases). Yo pienso que los estudiantes y los profesores en potencia serían más productivosin el horario de lunes. En adición, cambiaría el tiempo de “homeroom” a ocho y medía (normalmente) porque ocho menos días es muy temprano y todo el mundo necesitan ocho horas de sueño. Yo cambiaría los uniformes de los chicos porque los largos pantalones en Abril y Mayo es muy incómodo por todos los chicos porque es muy calor; es importante ser cómodo. Cambiaría las reglas de los juegos (por la internet) en los edificios académicos porque es importante aprender ser responsable. En orden preparar por las universidades, es importante ser responsable y aprender administrar tú tiempo. Finalmente, cambiaría la tarea porque los estudiantes de DHS son muy ocupado por todo la semana (de escuela). Es importante por los estudiantes y los profesores relajarse. Con no mucho tarea, los estudiantes de DHS se relajarían más.

Si podría cambio unas cosas de DHS, la horario, los uniformes, las reglas de internet, la tiempo de “homeroom”, y la tarea sería lo. En general, DHS es tiene buenas cosas y normas, pero unas cosas son mal.

What I am trying to say:

In general, DHS has good ideas and rules. For example, all of the students (that don't have restrictions) have a free period. Also, some of the ideas are bad.

I would change the Monday schedule; the schedule is terrible in general (because the students and the professors have to go to all of their classes). I think that the students and the teachers would be more productive without the Monday Schedule. In addition, I would change the time of "homeroom" to 8:30 (normally) because 7:50 is really early and everyone needs eight hours of sleep. I would change the uniforms of the boys because long pants in April and May is very uncomfortable for all of the boys because it is very hot; it's important to be comfortable. I would change the rules (of the internet) in the academic buildings because it's important to learn to be responsible. In order to prepare for college, it's important to be responsible and to learn to manage your time. Finally, I would change the homework for the students of DHS because the students are very busy for the school week. It's important for the students and the professors to relax. Without a lot of homework, the students would relax more.

If I could change some of the rules of DHS, the schedule, the uniforms, the rules of the internet, the time of homeroom, and the homework would be it. In general, DHS has good ideas and rules, but some of them are bad.

Thank you.
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  #2  
Old April 15, 2012, 10:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by José1 View Post
... !Gracías!

Composición:

En general, la escuela de (omit) DHS tiene buenas cosas (wrong word, based on your English version) y normas. Por ejemplo, todos los estudiantes (qué no tienen restricciones) tienen una libre período (período is not the correct word - the correct one is feminine, so I left the indefinite article unmarked (although it doesn't agree with your currect choice) - the adjective follows the noun). También, algunos de las cosas son malo (agreement problems, and wrong word choice).

Yo cambiaría la horario (agreement problem) de lunes; la horario es terrible en general (porque todos los estudiantes y todos los profesores van a todos los clases) (agreement problems). (Yo) pienso que los estudiantes y los profesores (en potencia) (why is this here?) serían más productivosin (separate and watch adjective agreement) el horario de lunes. En adición (use 'además' instead), cambiaría el tiempo (wrong word) de “homeroom” a (missing article) ocho y medía (normalmente) porque (missing article) ocho menos días (wrong word) es (agreement problem - could use a singular noun if this conjugation is desired) muy temprano (agreement problem) y todo el mundo necesitan (agreement problem) ocho horas de sueño. Yo cambiaría los uniformes de los chicos porque los largos (adjective follows noun) pantalones en Abril y Mayo (names of months aren't capitalized) es (agreement problem) muy incómodo (watch adjective agreement) por (wrong preposition) todos los chicos porque es muy (wrong verb, wrong adverb) calor; es importante ser cómodo. Cambiaría las reglas de los juegos (doesn't agree with English version - if used, substitute 'contra' for 'de') (por la internet) en los edificios académicos porque es importante aprender (missing preposition) ser responsable. En orden (use 'para' instead - it means 'in order to') preparar por (wrong preposition) las universidades (doesn't agree with English version), es importante ser responsable y aprender (missing preposition) administrar (wrong verb) (the determiner 'tu' doesn't have an accent - it would be better to use a definite article instead, because you're not addressing a specific person) tiempo. Finalmente, cambiaría la tarea porque los estudiantes de DHS son (wrong verb) muy ocupado (agreement problem) por todo (agreement problem) la semana (de escuela). Es importante por los estudiantes y los profesores relajarse (there's another structure that I would use, but you probably haven't studied subjunctive clauses yet - rephrase the sentence, putting the infinitive after 'importante', followed by the subjects). Con no mucho tarea, los estudiantes de DHS se relajarían más.

Si podría cambio (can't have two conjugated verbs in a row - the first verb is conjugated; the second remains in its infinitive form - the first verb needs to be cast in the subjunctive mood) unas cosas (don't agree with the English version) de DHS, la horario, los uniformes, las reglas de internet, la tiempo (wrong word, but correct article when the right word is used) de “homeroom”, y la tarea sería lo ('lo' is a direct object pronoun - in the phrase 'it would be', 'it' is a subject pronoun - it's not necessary to say this subject pronoun in Spanish - I would use 'cambiaría' instead of 'sería', and then list all the things you would change). En general, DHS es (should be here) tiene buenas cosas y normas, pero unas cosas son mal (use an adjective and make sure it agrees with the noun).

What I am trying to say:

In general, DHS has good ideas and rules. ...

... (because the students and the professors have to go to all of their classes). ... productive without ... because long pants in April and May is (pants are) very uncomfortable ...

... some of the rules of DHS, ...
I've marked several things that need fixed (in red). There are most likely others. The things marked in purple (in your English version) don't agree with what your Spanish version says.
I tried to explain what needs fixed in green.

Edit: I see that you posted your question elsewhere and a good revision was received. I was trying to steer you in the same direction, but didn't want to do your homework for you. A rewrite was in order, but I would have helped you to get there on your own. On that other site someone else did your homework (but not without errors) and you didn't learn a thing.

Last edited by Rusty; April 15, 2012 at 11:28 PM.
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Old April 16, 2012, 06:30 AM
José1 José1 is offline
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Thank you a lot for the help. Actually, that is untrue. I didn't just mindlessly copy down the answers - I genuinely tried to learn from my mistakes and I still didn't even replace everything that that person replaced. Thank you so much for your time as well; I will give and have certainly given your corrections a look. I'm not trying to have my homework done for me; I'm really trying to learn to become a better writer.

I really can't thank you enough for your extensive corrections - I really do appreciate it and I will definitely try to learn from my mistakes (example: días ---> diez).
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Old April 16, 2012, 09:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by José1 View Post
... Actually, that is untrue. I didn't just mindlessly copy down the answers - I genuinely tried to learn from my mistakes and I still didn't even replace everything that that person replaced. Good for you!

... I really can't thank you enough for your extensive corrections - I really do appreciate it ... You're welcome!
I hope you were able to see, after examining the hints I gave above, some of the mistakes the other person didn't catch. If you post a new draft here, we'll have another look.

By the way, before answering your thread I had moved it to the 'Practice & Homework' forum. This is the forum for practicing and homework help.
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