'Nippon', help with translation

[ookami]

Hi, I' have made a translation some years ago and know that I'm reading it, it feels very very bad. It's from a poem of Alfred Noyes, any help is welcome:

NIPPON

LAST night, I dreamed of Nippon...
...I saw a cloud of white
Drifting before the sunset
...On seas of opal light.

Beyond the wide Pacific
...I saw its mounded snow
Miraculously changing
...In that deep evening glow,

To rosy rifts and hillocks,
...To orchards that I knew,
To snows of peach and cherry,
...And feathers of bamboo.

I saw, on twisted bridges,
...In blue and crimson gleams,
The lanterns of the fishers,
...Along the brook of dreams.

I saw the wreaths of incense
...Like little ghosts arise,
From temples under Fuji,
...From Fuji to the skies.

I saw that fairy mountain....
...I watched it form and fade.
No doubt the gods were smiling,
...When Nippon isle was made.

--------------

NIPPON

Anoche, soñe sobre/con Nippon.... (Japón)
...Ví una nube de blanco
Ir a la deriva ante el sol
...En mares de luz opal.

Más alla del ancho Pacifico
...Ví su acumulada nieve
Milagrosamente cambiando
...En ese profundo resplandor nocturno,

Para sonrojadas escisiones y montecillos,
...Para huertos que conocía,
Para nieves de melocotón y cerezo,
...Y plumas de bamboo.

Ví, en serpenteantes puentes,
...En azules y carmesies destellos,
Los faroles de los pescadores,
...Junto al arroyo de sueños.

Ví el espiral de incienso
...Como un pequeño fantasma que se levanta,
Desde templos debajo de Fuji,
...Desde Fuji hacia el cielo.

Ví esa montaña de hadas....
...La mire formarse y desaparecer.
No hay duda que los dioses sonreían,
...Cuando la isla de Nippon fue echa.

I think it doesn't have copyright. Thanks.

[brute]

Originally Posted by ookami

Hi, I' have made a translation some years ago and know that I'm reading it, it feels very very bad. It's from a poem of Alfred Noyes, any help is welcome:

NIPPON

LAST night, I dreamed of Nippon...
...I saw a cloud of white
Drifting before the sunset
...On seas of opal light.

Beyond the wide Pacific
...I saw its mounded snow
Miraculously changing
...In that deep evening glow,

To rosy rifts and hillocks,
...To orchards that I knew,
To snows of peach and cherry,
...And feathers of bamboo.

I saw, on twisted bridges,
...In blue and crimson gleams,
The lanterns of the fishers,
...Along the brook of dreams.

I saw the wreaths of incense
...Like little ghosts arise,
From temples under Fuji,
...From Fuji to the skies.

I saw that fairy mountain....
...I watched it form and fade.
No doubt the gods were smiling,
...When Nippon isle was made.

--------------

NIPPON

Anoche, soñe sobre/con Nippon.... (Japón)
...Ví una nube de blanco
Ir a la deriva ante el sol
...En mares de luz opal.

Más alla del ancho Pacifico
...Ví su acumulada nieve
Milagrosamente cambiando
...En ese profundo resplandor nocturno,

Para sonrojadas escisiones y montecillos,
...Para huertos que conocía,
Para nieves de melocotón y cerezo,
...Y plumas de bamboo.

Ví, en serpenteantes puentes,
...En azules y carmesies destellos,
Los faroles de los pescadores,
...Junto al arroyo de sueños.

Ví el espiral de incienso
...Como un pequeño fantasma que se levanta,
Desde templos debajo de Fuji,
...Desde Fuji hacia el cielo.

Ví esa montaña de hadas....
...La mire formarse y desaparecer.
No hay duda que los dioses sonreían,
...Cuando la isla de Nippon fue echa.

I think it doesn't have copyright. Thanks.

I think you have the literal sense of the poem. The main problem is that you need to capture as much as possible of the feeling, rhyme and rhythm of the original. This will mean making compromises with the details of your precice translation.

Have tried writing haiku in English or Spanish?

[ookami]

Thanks.
Yes, I need that, to make compromises.

I have tried to write haikus. I read a couple of books about them but in this moment I'm experimenting with another style of writing. What about you?

I really like this haiku:

kono michi wa
yuku hito nashi ni
aki no kure

Este camino
ya nadie lo recorre
salvo el crepúsculo.